In the battle to define
what is the
A couple of highlights of what’s to come:
- The way I measure a man’s character is how he handles the shit.
- To those who don’t choose to live like this. I’m not mad at you or disappointed. Your path is yours and you are free to do with it what you will.
“You know you’re intimidating right? That’s part of the problem. You intimidate men.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“I know but…”
Now I used to get mad when a man told me I was intimidating. After all, what kinda backwards ass, man-baby is going to be intimidated by a woman. I used to say “Oh so basically you’re saying I should lower expectations or maybe if I were more of a fuck up as a woman, you’d be less afraid of me???”
Ok ok ok… so that’s the knee jerk reaction, the “fuck you” reaction.
But now after giving it a little more thought and pausing to ask “Wait, can you
can you explain what you mean?” I got more clarity on why some men feel this way and I’m sharing the story to other women of strong character and life direction.
Here are some of the answers I received…
“Any man with common sense is going to pause before he comes for you. Your aura and the way you live let’s everyone know that you’re building something. You don’t have time to waste on drama.”
“You’re intimidating because you are the type who will be a center of strength for your home and family. And any man who thinks he might do you wrong is not going to come for you.”
“I’m scared of you because I know I’m going to fuck up… and I can’t deal with hurting a woman as loving as you. You’d cut my soul. I’ve seen you do it to your ex… and I”m not better than him. So I already know where it would go.”
“You’re intimidating to any man who is not a builder. A man whose focus is building will be the best fit for you. He really has to know how to devote time and energy to building his vision and when you are a couple, your shared vision, as well as taking care of each other.”
Of course I had some other answers that were less insightful (LOL moment)
These were the men who suggested I was “too much” or that I should be prepared to take on the role of leader in a couple and be with a man who was a willing follower. Their thought was that since I am a woman of vision and action, I could lead a man and build a life.
Here’s the thing: NO.
That’s not what I want. I do not need a millionaire but I will not accept someone who is not managing their life in a similar manner to the way I do.
I’m not as flawless or as “with it” as the pedestal makes me appear. I’ve had some intense financial struggles, some health issues, some definite harsh attacks from people who were in my life. I have been through some serious shit.
So I’m not opposed to a man who’s going through something. The way I measure a man’s character is how he handles the shit.
Does he whine about it? This is self-explanatory so I don’t need to explain why this is annoying.
Does he play the victim? Some men play the victim and don’t even realize they are doing that. They’ll try something to get past the challenge and if it fails to work, they’ll say “Well, see I tried but it didn’t work so I’m just gonna accept my position and stay where I am.”
Does he make the situation worse? Some verbal and active responses to situations only increase the drama. Quitting a job over some petty shit. Getting aggressive with someone. Breaking something, etc.
Or does he take WISE STEPS…
Does he research and apply knowledge to the situation?
Does he have DETERMINATION AND DRIVE to keep pushing?
Is he humble enough to do what the f*** it takes to provide for home and get above and beyond a present struggle?
I know struggle all too well. My upbringing was not easy breezy. My parents had to legit work their asses off just to get by and pushed us to do better.
As a teen and as an adult, I faced my fair share of hurdles. I’ve known what it means to feed myself and my child on $30 for a week. I’ve faced bitchy ass, unsupportive people. I’ve had supervisors put an absurd amount of work on my back, I’ve been brought in for write-ups and terminations for shit that I never should have been scolded for.
I’ve known the heavy burden of life that makes you want to check the f*** out.
So you’re damn right. I’m intimidating. Because I have lived and persevered like a soldier. I was raised by people who made no excuses and I make none either. If it has to be done, then it just has to be f***ing done. You don’t waste your time saying “Woe is poor pitiful me.” You don’t waste your time saying “The system or some asshole is dead set on f***ing with me.” FUCK EM
Ya hear me?
Those struggles and dramas and vile ass people have always been here and always will be. The only thing you have power over is how you choose to respond.
So long as the man who comes for me moves the way I do, inspired by figures such as Eartha Kitt and James Baldwin and France Gaudet and Benjamin Banneker, and many more… as long as that man moves like we do, we can make it work. But if not, you’re damn right I’m f***ing intimidating to those who don’t.
I make no apologies for that.
To those who don’t choose to live like this. I’m not mad at you or disappointed. Your path is yours and you are free to do with it what you will. I will still respect you, protect you and honor your right to life and happiness.
But I will not sync up with you beyond that.
Author: Jessica Bordelon
Passionate, powerful, & gentle, she is an artist that captures the strength , power & energy of femininity in its purest form.